Again and again and again

Some of us go through life making the same mistakes again and again and again. We repeat patterns but don't realise. Perhaps we see that something is repeating itself, but we don't analyse the situation and therefore don't react to change it.

I never took an interest in matters of the mind and have absolutely no interest in religion, philosophy or psychology, but I do realise at the "mature" age of 45 that I have been stuck, like in the film Groundhogg Day, in the same unhealthy relationships since I was 25 or so.  Midlife crisis? No, but a sudden realisation that three mistakes is one too many, it is the straw that broke the camel's back, the drop that spilled the glass.

Most people learn at home what is right and wrong in a relationship, but others never had good role models and therefore never learnt what a healthy relationship is. Perhaps they grew up with an abusive parent and subsequently accepted abusive relationships. Perhaps their mother was always the victim, and they later assumed the role of the victim - or the abuser. Perhaps their father never respected the personal sphere of each family member and therefore they never learnt to set limits. Each of us has our own story, but, if I understand it correctly, in our adult relationships we unwillingly and unknowingly recreate our parents' relationship. - Unless we become conscious of the situation and do something to change it.

I have decided to write these rather personal lines on my blog because I need to break the pattern of unhealthy relationships, and you are my witnesses. Most of you are my personal friends, and you have probably seen me repeating my mistakes for years and years thinking, "Oh, here we go again, Charlotte just never gets it right!".   Hey, I want to get it right! I am sick and tired of choosing to be the victim of manipulating men.  I think it is an important distinction; I do not fall victim but I choose to be the victim. The men probably never wanted to be the abusive partner, but I let them assume the role that I have seen in my childhood home, the one that was natural for me. Well, I probably also attract abusive (read: manipulating) men. Fortunately I have never encountered violent, alcoholic men, but just miserable, catholic men with dominant mothers who made me feel oh-so-sorry for them and made me make million of excuses and concessions whenever they trespassed what should have been my personal limit.

If you are my friends, and if you see me with a man that obviously or maybe has got a problem, then do not hesistate to tell me, even at the risk of me getting upset because you are trying to break my pattern. A true friend will not be afraid of saying what he or she feels, right? Just imagine that I am a person from a different planet who does not talk the relationship language. Know that where you see warning signs, I see possibilities. Where you see faults, I see hope for change. Where you see lies, I see excuses.

Sometimes you have to make a mistake too many to realise. Sometimes you have to wait until you are 45 to change. Sometimes you will fall back into unhealthy patterns. But always, always, always you need your friends to bring you back on track. Can I count on you?